Looking back........

HISTORY:

I was born and raised in Northeast PA. I come from somewhat of a "fairy tale" family. My parents are still together and still madly in love, my extended family attend all major events in each other's lives, I grew up in a safe small town where everyone knows your name and looks out for one another (and Vinny still can't get over that my parents don't lock their house door and it's ok to leave your keys out in your car ---- SERIOUSLY FOLKS: fairytale land!!!!!)

I had the most incredible highschool experience, I wish it on every teenager! I had the best friends and most of whom I still keep in touch with. College was awesome and I made again, some of the best friends I could have asked for. In 2002 I moved to Maryland because I could not get a teaching job in PA to save my life. Here, I had several job offers within a week! I've been teaching 4th grade at the same school every since, where I have the BEST colleagues - we're like a family and really have each other's backs!

Best part about my move? Well, shortly after moving to Maryland, I met the love of my life - Vinny - He and I have been together ever since our first date... We moved in together a couple years into our relationship and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us!!!

I've been overweight most of my life - although it was a different kind of overweight than I've experienced in my adult life. As a child I was always a little "chubbier" than most of my friends, however - I was the most independant, self-confident little thing you'd ever run into! No one treated me poorly, called me names, or anything like that. As a teenager, I weighed about 50-75 pounds more than I should have. But I was SOOOOOO active. I was a tri-athelete in highschool, playing volleyball, basketball cheerleading/dance squad, and track and field. Although I was a size 12 (the only double digit size on the squad) I was the captain of the varsity cheerleading squad my junior and senior years of highschool. I also belonged to a dance company and danced in about 13 recitals, some of which I had solos, duets, or quad routines.

SO, what happened to me? I do not know!!! My huge Italian family filled my heart with lots of love, and my stomach with LOTS of food. I learned that when I was sad, food made me feel better - when I was happy, food made me happier - when I was angry, food calmed me - when I was bored, food gave me something to do, etc.. etc.. Same story as many overweight people have -- I lost control and gave into what soon became my addition: FOOD.

Shortly after moving away from home and beginning college, I put on a good 50-75 lbs. That now made me obese. I was no longer a "little chubby". I was FAT. I still had a lot of confidence in myself, but I was not nearly as active. I played volleyball for the 1st 2 years of college, but then quit to concentrate on my studies and student teaching. (Although, I can also say - regardless of how good I may have been - I was tired of being the "fat girl" on the team).

In college, people were not nearly as kind or accepting as they were in highschool. No one ever ridiculed me to my face... I was the funny girl - everyone's friend - someone people could always talk to, etc.. etc.. But I know people talked about me behind my back and strangers would sometimes stare rudely. My roommates would date incessantly - a different guy each weekend, etc.. etc.. I would date - but not nearly as frequently (and yes, some odd balls!). Most of my relationships were more long-term (which some would think is preferable) but I almost wished to have that fun-free dating lifestyle, but never did. I think part of that was just hanging on for dear life to someone, in case it ended and I would have no one... The "better than nothing" attitude, I suppose. Yeh, I settled. It doesn't feel good to look back at that... or think about some of the guys I "settled" with for those periods in my life... Oi!

Anyway, as time went on, I became more and more aware of my body not looking the way I wanted it to and less and less confident with people in all situations. Throughout these years of being to the point of "obesity". (I think that is such an ugly word to choke out --- ugh!) I joined and quit weight watchers countless times. I had a lot of success at different diets, then turned around and went back to my old bad habits and gained whatever I lost back and then some. I tried drugs like meridia, stacker, and other OTC diet pills... I joined gyms, I did the cabbage soup diet (ick), grapefruit diet, south beach diet, slimfast, joined nutra-system, bought 325 exercise tapes, made twenty-some new year's resolutions, started and stopped a million exercise regiments, and sooooooooooooooooooo many other things!!!!!

Then 2006 rolled around, I made up my mind - I wanted to do something about this problem once and for all. I joined the Comprehensive Obesity Management Program (COMP) at a hospital here in Baltimore. I saw a psycho-therepist twice a month for about 6 months, met with a nutritionist twice a month for about a year... trying to work through my food "issues" through memories of childhood and family, etc.. etc.. I don't know if those issues will EVER go away... I think you just need to learn to deal with them and force your instincts to shut up and make good choices dispite what you might WANT to do.

As 2006 came to a close, I was continuing "therapy" (still trying to find the root of my eating addiction, which I never did, btw) and seeing the nutritionist to "learn" how to eat like a thin person... which is truly enlightening. I think I've learned some good rules - but I don't know if you can truly retrain your brain - or if you CAN, it must take longer than I've given it thus far.

A few months into 2007, my weight loss came to a screeching hault. I still had the same complaint to my doctor ---- I was doing everything I was suppose to be doing MOST of the time and now I was just losing VERY little, if anything, each week. He decided he wanted to prescribe me an appetite supressant to try short term, to give me a "kick start". So, as much as hated this --- here I am on drugs again --- buuuuuuuuuuuuuut this one actually WORKED! It's called phentermine (yes, one of the "phens" in phen-fen" --- however, the SAFE one!) . You can't stay on it long term... but I definetely enjoyed the time I had it. With it, I was just not hungry. I lost interest in what I was eating half way through and do not feel the need to snack AT ALL. The only side-effect I had was cotton mouth, which turns out to be a blessing in disguise, bc I began doing MUCH better with the required water intake!

As of today: September 20, 2007, I am 40lbs. down from my starting weight. I suppose that is nothing to complain about - but what a long weary road it's been at times!!!!!! I am not complaining, bc had I not been doing what I was doing, I very well might be 40lbs. heavier!!! But I'd like to lose another 40 before our wedding!!!!! So, it sure has been a blessing that I joined COMP when I did... I've just resigned myself to the fact that I am just a "turtle" as they say, when it comes to weight loss.... Hi, my name is Jessica Slowski! haha!!!

HOPES FOR THE FUTURE:

I want to be healthy and happy with who I see looking back at me in the mirror. But talking numbers, I think that will be somewhere in the 160's........... As it says in the title of this blog: I am along on this journey of finding Jessica. I know she is in here somewhere DYING to be seen! Hopefully sooner than later the outer exterior that hides her will melt away and she will be seen!